I stumbled upon this site the other day when I was looking for advice on step parenting and bedtime. I have spent the better part of three days reading different columns/blogs and I am not sure how I feel about what I have read. Some of it I understand completely and some of it blows me away. I have even talked to the SO about it and have mentioned that some of the things I have seen on here make me so upset.
Let me explain. I am a 34 year old woman who has never been married and I don't particularly care for children. I have known that about myself for most of my life. As you can tell by my name, I have a profession where schooling was a priority for me and by the time I finally acheived that goal, I looked at my life and realized that I didn't want the financial drain or emotional crushing that raising children requires.
I am lucky in a lot of respects. I was raised by both my parents (at different times) and luckily for me, both parents ended marrying people that I love and respect. I learn a lot about step parenting from these people and both my SM and SD are parents to me. I introduce them as such and while I call them by their names, rather than by mom or dad, it's mostly out of respect for their other children. Neither one of them has any doubt as to how much I love and respect them for everything they gave to me and my siblings.
So maybe that gives me a different take on the step parenting thing. I mean, I was no angel to deal with in my teenage years, and luckily neither one of them ever disengaged from me, simply because they saw it as their duty, no matter what, to raise me to be a responsible and respectable adult, and while I am sure I maybe gave them tons of gray hair in the process, both succeeded beautifully.
I have been involved in the juvenile system for years and I have dealt with my fair share of children who have come from broken or entitled homes. I have seen the scourge of drug and alcohol abuse. I have seen what happens when kids grow up learning that lying is an acceptable means by which to obtain whatever you want. I have dealt with children who have no discipline, who only know the word no, who abuse substances and who think rules just do not apply to them. And for many of those kids, I have been the only stabilizing force in their lives. It has never ceased to amaze me that a child with little to no discipline or respect for adults will snap to when I tell them to, and I realized that every kid needs someone to lay down the law and make them understand that rules are there because they are loved and cared for.
I recently started a relationship with someone who has four children. He has sole custody at this point and the mother is a hopeless alcoholic. I find myself hating her at times but I have to try to remember that any time I feel that way, the kids can pick up on it. The kids are all under the age of 10. He has done the best that he can so far and I have stepped in where I can to help pick up the slack. I used to spend my weekends laying by the pool or going to the theater, or having an actual life. Now I spend my weekends doing laundry and changing diapers and listening to whining and crying. And you know what? I couldn't be happier, honestly.
Are they little nightmares at times who try to lie and manipulate, of course they are. Children learn from the template they are given and mimic the actions of the adults they are exposed to. Do they act selfishly and refuse to help out when asked, sure there are times....but the reality is, every day I can see improvement. Every day I see there are changes that weren't there the day before. Most of the time they are subtle and very rarely are they exactly what I want. But when they say good night and they call me mommy because that is what I am to them, the fact that I no longer have time to get my nails or hair done no longer matters. When the baby coos and jumps up and down when she sees me, when she squirms out of her dad's arms to be held by me that is the greatest feeling in the world. When the three year old goes to time out, albeit begrudgingly, after telling me no, I feel a little battle has been won. When the 6 year old asks if she can cuddle with me on the couch, it makes my heart melt. And when the 8 year old shows such strength and maturity, I couldn't be more proud. But then, like I said, maybe I am naive.
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